Did I Mention the Challenges of Raising Sons?

Raising teenagers can best be described by a Deadpool movie quote, “Here’s the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.”

Everything is cruising along and you think you have a handle on this teen parenting only to be kicked in the teeth and slapped upside the head with reality. And those moments can feel like they last an eternity in comparison to the smooth sailing. I’m not going to sugar coat it. The teen years are a challenge! Even for them.

Remember? Being in an adult body and trying to live up to adult expectations without the life wisdom and frontal lobe development to be an adult. It certainly explains a lot. It explains why no matter how many times we tell them to stop in an argument they just keep going. Or why they blow up firecrackers in my freezer. Or even the dent in my car caused by an unlicensed 13-year-old. And then we have moments where I can hardly believe how amazing my children are. I come home from a long day at work and dinner is ready and the kitchen is clean. I receive a text in the middle of the day that simply says, “I love you,” from my 20-year-old son. The yard is clean and lawn mowed and I mentioned it to no one.

Something happens to young men starting at about 13. I won’t forget the day my son took an aggressive stance with me. Posturing with his chest out and shoulders back. I first wanted to laugh. Did he really think that would intimidate me? I was a good 6 inches taller and outweighed him by 70 lbs. I told him to just go to his room before I got angry and kept my laugh to myself. How cute that he’s feeling bold today. I should have had a conversation about it because the next time he positioned himself this way was with his father. And Dad wasn’t having it.

Tears, anger and a bloody nose. Planning to punch your father who is 6’ 220 pounds when you’re 15 and 5’ 90 pounds (on your best day) is not going to be a wise decision nor will it give you the results you were hoping for. I was not witness to the altercation and it certainly could have been much worse. A bruised ego and hurting heart; they weren’t speaking to each other. I’d love to say this was the last time they clashed but that’s a lie. And it didn’t stop for two years.

My heart was hurting! I didn’t know if he was going to cause his dad to have a stroke or my husband was going to take our son’s life. My husband is the most patient man I know. Rarely is he angry or upset and I can count how many times he’s yelled but they were both acting like people I didn’t know. I did not have brothers and had never seen anything like this! I was so torn between protecting my son and defending my husband.

I reached out for help. The overwhelming advice was to stay out of it. If I defend my son then I undermine my husband and if I defend my husband then we become a united enemy. The stories I heard were terrible! Fist fights, screaming, fathers throwing their sons out of the house, and worse. It was described to me as a young bull elk coming of age in a herd and challenging the dominant elk for control. Yes, they fight. Yes, they charge at each other. Yes, there are injuries. I stepped back. At times the arguments became so heated my son would leave the house. There was at least one more bloody lip and punch thrown. No serious injuries and I am not condoning violence, I’m being real. Loss of privileges including his bedroom door happened. Terrible words hung in the air. I’ve never seen my husband this angry or my son so frustrated.

No one wanted to come home from school or work. They weren’t the only ones walking on eggshells. Our whole house was. It was either silence or anger. Some days we welcomed the silence. At least there were no hateful words or slamming doors. The rest of us just tried to stay out of the way.

It didn’t last forever. My son grew, not just physically but mentally as well. He realized that his Dad was smart and really did love him. Being hot headed was getting him nowhere in his relationship with his father. He admired him, and has always wanted to be like him. He started to get it. The confrontations became less and less. They took up hobbies they both enjoyed; working on cars, hunting and NASCAR. Peace was returning to our home.

And then our daughter turned 13.

When Life Slows Down

I never dreamed when my children were little that I would ever have time for myself. Even going to the bathroom in peace was a luxury. Forget an uninterrupted meal, shower or sleep. Small versions of us filled up every space and every minute of our home. And it was glorious most of the time. I loved being needed and adored by these little ones. My house was crazy and I loved every minute of it!

Before having my children, I believed my life was busy. I worked, dated, went out with friends, spent entire days shopping, read tons of books, worked out at the gym. My life was FULL! I met my husband and spent all my free time with him. In our first year of marriage we were blessed with our son and nephew who now shared our home. Our daughter was born 5 years later and our lives were never the same. Consumed with their daily needs, school, t-ball and soccer, 4H, ballet, church, play groups, art classes! Now I knew what busy looked like! I ran from sun up to sun down and was up multiple times a night. I was fueled with coffee and adrenaline. And it never seemed to slow down.

Until it did. Kids graduated and got jobs or moved out. Sports and clubs slowed down. We got rid of farm animals or they passed on. Driver’s licenses were issued and they began making plans with friends. Our evenings and weekends became quieter. Responsibilities were taken over by these emerging adults.

I shower for as long as I want. No one bangs on the door of the bathroom. I sit and leisurely eat my dinner while flipping through the latest issue of Country Living magazine. I go to meditation and book club. I meet friends for dinner and drinks. I have time to exercise and the only interruptions are the dogs licking my face while I’m doing planks. I can talk to my husband without someone jumping on the couch between us.

For the first time in 20 years, I can sit and ponder my plans for the weekend and they don’t involve standing on the sidelines of a soccer field in the pouring rain. Now, I know that many mothers are heartbroken at the thought of not being needed. I am sometimes. When I make too much lasagna and only my husband and I are home to eat it. As I pack it away in the fridge I know that it will be devoured sometime in the next 48 hours while they're passing through.

Honestly, I love taking care of myself. I’m rediscovering books I loved. I forgot how good fueling my body with physical activity felt! My energy level is through the roof! My friends are amazing and fun. Lounging over coffee with no demands allows me to be fully present with them. And the restaurants in town that I have discovered like hidden gems! They have cloth napkins and no one is crying under the table. I’m writing again and practicing meditation. I’ve began studying Reiki. I’ve even compiled a bucket list. There are so many things I want to do over the next 40 years! Many wonderful adventures to be had and experiences to enjoy! I'd love to attend more baseball games and see my beloved Red Sox play the Yankees at Fenway. Write a book or perform in a show. Volunteer to help breastfeeding families in Africa or in Greece. Explore castles in Scotland and Wales. Become more fluent in Spanish and travel to South America. A whole lifetime to be had!

How are other parents of teenagers and young adults filling their time? Are you actively pursuing things that feed your spirit? Do you want to? Are you ready for an adventure?

It Ain't Easy

He is perfect. Every single feature is proportionate and beautiful. I imagined his eyes would be dark like his father's but they are a radiant blue. He takes everything in as if he has waited a life time to see my face. Every hour in labor seemed an eternity but it all fades away as he is placed in my arms. I can imagine the years ahead. The first steps, toothless grin, muddy hands, his first home run, senior prom; I'm sure he will be brilliant, athletic, handsome and kind. How could he be anything else?

I am so crazy in love with this 8lb 5oz bundle of perfection. He exceeds all of my dreams and expectations.

In this moment I could not imagine that just 17 short years later he would stand before me in our living room, just minutes after arriving home past curfew and spit the venomous words, "Go fuck yourself, Mom!"

What in the hell just happened? This is NOT what I ordered when my husband and I dreamed of growing our family? I had envisioned perfection, damn it! They would listen to me and bask in our life wisdom. They would never talk back or throw tantrums. He was supposed to be kind! And respectful! And loving! Not rude and defiant!

To say I did not handle it well would be an understatement. I was a good mom! I listened to him! I was loving and kind! I didn't cuss at him! I was well within my rights to ask him where the hell he had been and why he was out late! I'm the parent! I'm the boss! I pay the bills!

Fuck! Nobody told me I'd be arguing with a nearly grown child who behaved like an out of control preschooler! Is this how it's going to be...forever? No wonder they start out beautiful and helpless, melting our hearts in to oblivion. If he had started out as this tyrant, well, there certainly wouldn't have been a younger sibling. None of my friends had kids like this! I know! I'm on Facebook! I see their posts! Sports pictures, family vacations, honor society inductees, prom queens but not raging hormones and screaming fits. At the soccer games and ballet classes it was the same. None of their kids wrecked the car or wouldn't shower. What the fuck happened to my kids? I parent them! I teach them right from wrong! They were raised in church for heaven's sake!

There were no chapters about this in the What to Expect books!

I wasn't the only one. I just didn't know it. Facebook is a highlight reel and frankly, it's bullshit. Yes, our kids are great. They play sports, are in marching band, make the honor roll and damn it, our vacations are awesome! But it's also hard. We're just scared. Scared to admit we may not be doing it right. Scared everyone else will find out we're just winging it and we have no fucking clue what we're doing. I'm going to tell you it's ok. I know it sucks. I know you sometimes wonder how in the hell they grew up under your guidance. I know you were going to do better than your parents. And you probably are. We let you down. All of us. By not speaking up, offering a hug, or picking up the phone we let you down. We stopped getting together. We made excuses. We were busy with sports and clubs and our jobs. We volunteered for Boy Scouts and PTA and we just became consumed with the day to dayness of our lives.

Let's have coffee. I'll take a long lunch and hang out. If you need a hug, I got you. I'll listen. I won't judge. I'll share what my kid did this week too. I'll reassure you that we can do this. It will be ok. And when our children have teenagers, we'll do this for them. They'll survive and we will too.